The Should

It’s too late.

we’re locked inside ourselves.

Separately, we defined our love with less

It took our toll; you should be with me

 

The sacred plans

The getaways

The time we shared

It made to stay

Splendidly, gracefully

 

And so we

Make time

To distance ourselves

This time It’s mine

And no one else

 

You said today; you knew exactly what this was

I had a heart ripped and curled

I was in love; it was so real

You should be with me; I’m changing

 

You made time, to go back to your world

Leaving me a mistress unfurled

Waiting for the next time

You cross the line.

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11:24 P.M.

You’re staring at everything you hate about you.

“look at this fool,” you obsessively yawn.

You make this routine— the ‘self-hatred’ song.

Don’t you realize, the most robust conversation you have is with yourself?

You can’t let your esteem falter, like an unstable shelf.

Self confidence is a skill that takes time to create.

That little advice sure sets the mood straight.

How long it takes to hone this skill is never wrong,

because the self-hate thing can only last for so long.

Then you start to crumble in the ashes you make.

Of striving to be something else, something you died to fake.

 

My Love For You

How can I speak on my love for you?

How do I know if what I feel is true towards you?

 

Love is a strange thing

You know what I mean

When I think it is something I know

It bothers me

 

The fluttery feeling

When I smile at you

The late nights up

Is when I cry my love is true?

 

The heart skips too much

As if I am sick

My mind takes me to you

A neurotic luxury trips

 

Love is like a disease

I grant the invasion

My feelings for you

Is out of my linguistic formation

 

One more time I say it loud

And repeat out of the blue

I care about you

I am in love with you.

12:03 A.M.

I still won’t see

I still won’t hear

The silence request you don’t want me near

It’s not the tone I don’t know

It’s the message I won’t take home.

It’s been a while, it still feels sudden.

You disappeared and you felt clear.

I still rip out like it was near.

I couldn’t take the hint the end was there.

As time gets longer I am more weighed down.

It wasn’t right when you were around

But it felt right when you were around

Like that time we went to town.

That vow you gave, to take me down

That I won’t get hurt, well, look at me now

I still say it’s sudden, and I’m all alone

Although your silence lets me know.

This is me, living my fear

I will live with this burden for many years.

I can’t forget about you still,

It’s like lightening and it gives me chills

Forgetting about you is against my fractured will.

I block out to the nuanced tones

 How your silence is your message:

“Move on and leave me alone”

With your new partner—your love in a new time zone.

While I grow haggard, desperately calling out to an empty home.

7:13 PM

I love your illusion so much that it rules my life.

I make tea for two and give both cups to you,

It’s so expensive, so I save the bags and use them to dream of you.

the more I like you, the less I feel free,

while you maintain your purest form.

I can’t stand the thought of you knowing me.

but the mere thought of you excites me merrily

so much so, I don’t need to be free

To An Empty Room

So, I am going to post this to anyone out there that might come across this and need it. I may be talking to an empty room. But I hope you can hear the echo from outside.

 

 

 

 

 

It’s hard to break personal, toxic ways of how you view yourself.  At the end of the day, breaking brainwashing is a matter of perseverance and self-accountability. It’s  admitting that way you use to damage yourself falsely rationalizing the trauma as “humbling yourself”, as you ripped yourself from lobe to vein. Everyone has a battle they are facing all by themselves with the enemy in the mirror.  The winner has the spoil of narrating how you interact with your environment.  The crown goes to the voice that is the loudest in your head. You are at the mercy of what every voice you choose because you can’t shake the noise.

You are worth more than your negative thoughts about yourself. The truth is, whether you believe it or not, you are loved, needed and desired beyond your wildest beliefs. Someone out there wants the best for you; even though they don’t show it and you don’t see it. There are always secret cheerleaders rooting for you like spies in the coldest of wars eagerly ready to pass along messages to their commanders.

It is not fair to yourself feeling and wandering in life no one is ever going to love or want you because of the things you used to do in order to survive your mental state at that moment in time. Hold yourself dearly, you are forgiven and loved. Embrace the thought you have compassion and empathy from others as little or as big as you make it. It could be a song that touches you, a friend you trust, or an activity you like to do. Know that you have an ability to touch others, even if you’re by yourself, is immense.

Change is not easy, nor will your outlook about yourself morph in a short amount of time.  I will say it is worth it. Starting small can lead to bigger, brighter things will nurture your growth discovering different aspects of yourself.  A great small way to start is to give yourself a short compliment. For example, “I feel happy”, “I feel the energy”, “I am loved”, and so on. You will be amazed how much it adds up in supporting a positive sense of self  Giving yourself little compliments can lead into exercising your curiosity in trying new and exciting activities, like singing or learning about art. Doing, making, and learning new things can also lead into meeting positive people with new ideas you might enjoy exploring.  New fascinating ideas made with budding friendships create ways to further mental and spiritual growth. It also a great way to make you smile.

I just want you to know that someone out there cares about you and to not give up on yourself, it’s hard not to feel like you’re not enough. but you are enough. Everyone is enough in their own unique way, and I want you to remember that you are the best person in the world that can do you. You’re a star.