9:11 P.M.

I’m not worried by the things I’m not worried about

I’m tired to the fighting; I’m going out a lot.
“The fighting?” they asked, “Wait, you’re going through a lot?

The scars are thicker than what you see; I bury the truth in thoughts.

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Dear Diary: Gem encrusted Gnomes

Garden Gnomes

Gem has the gull to bite because The Garden Gnomes protect them. They don’t allow the rose to feel offended. They are suitable for stopping you mid-rant to assure (warn) you, “It is how it is” and ask (demand) you to move on, ‘lest you be seen as a negative person.’ These small, gaudy lawn decorations morphed in arid, human flesh.  They rather keep the disgruntled peace than resolve uncomfortable issues by gatekeeping toxic behaviors to pass through the Kingdom of Passive Aggressive.  You can’t fault them; it’s stressful to keep up conflicts. However, why get more upset at the person being wronged than the one that is doing the wrong? Garden Gnomes instead, stand still with the elephant in the room than move gets it out of there. Garden Gnomes keep the scenery outwardly fun and quirky, like the real figurines people plop on their lawns. Sure, they want to make their house seem laid back, but the reality is, the house is one underhanded comment away from complete familial destruction.

Garden Gnomes are cautious at exposing their friendship with you for the world to see. On the one hand, they’re happy to add life to your plain exterior; on the other side, they’re embarrassed that it has to be your exterior. Garden Gnomes are excellent at being faceless saps in the face of honor. In a Garden variety gnome, they Heaven, hell, and everything in between forbids they’re ever in public with you, and they unexpectedly run into someone they respect more than you. That’s when you hear all the reasons (but the ones that are of friendship) why they’re out with a ‘person’ like you.  The real way you know how they feel about you is by the multitude of tones and evasive phrases they use in describing you depending on who is around. And as you know, anytime a garden gnome’s tone about you changes depending on who is around, you know they don’t like or care about you, but they like that you offer them things to talk about when you’re not around.

It never matters who is around when they create fake speeches about what you need to do with your life, and how they’re ‘here for you when you need anything offended This is only for the public, however. If and when you do make that call—the call they claimed they’re so happy to take—Garden Gomes end up planting themselves to take up a hefty amount of time centering themselves and their issues. By the time you get to around the reason why you called, they have to get off the line and go tend to more pressing matters.

Gem will always have asterisks by their way of accountability because Garden Gnomes refuse everything talk that might cause discomfort around them. The only thing comfortable for Garden Gnomes is the fraud they perpetrate to seem like a caring friend when all they really care about is having you around so they can thank the lucky stars they’re not you, or have any of the issues you told them in confidence.  Garden Gnomes generally believe it’s logical to make fun of someone they have zero interest in respecting, even though they give you the title as “friend.” Garden Gnomes set themselves up in your life the way the lawn ordainments do: To project fun when they’re not.

Vines

Heat the necessities and try to strive for something lower next time

The room is too full to speak your mind, and the spirit is dancing too much for your words to equate what madness you see before you.

Misty fellows are too far from here, but try to arrive so carefully near.

There is anxiety in the voice and a thoughtless pattern of the tongue.

Things are a little too strange for strange right now.

Dear Diary: Isn’t It a Gem?

I haven’t seen Gem for a few months now. We used to be very close. To the point where we secretly hated each other but still made it a point to see each other every day. I liked them as a friend, but it was tiring for me to worry about if I was saying the right thing or not. It seems some friendships are built on competition, but only one side knows they’re competing. It was exhausting, but that was what made Gem shine. They always needed to feel that something about them was better than everyone in the room. If they didn’t feel it, they had a handy supply of snide remarks about close friends to get people to look at the person less than they did before, if even. Humans tend to base their opinions on others based on what someone has said about them; good, bad, or indifferent.

We all do it; it’s why we love the news so much.  We tend to base our opinions based on the emotion or information we receive the report. The fact of the matter is, we all pick and choose things that serve our interest in our line of thought. We tend to translate that when we get details on people, we are about to meet through someone.  It’s up to you if you sway to formulate your own opinion about a person or keep building a personality profile based on what someone else had said about them. Gem had an interestingly vindictive, sweet but degrading way of describing people she felt insecure about to others.  Their end goal was the same: As long as they thought the victim was blindsided by a cold introduction to their “other group of friends,” they won the campaign trail. It’s hard not to feel sorry for Gem in a way that you can feel sorry for a thief that steals bread to feed their family. Gem is pathetic, but they’re only trying to feel like the cool kid they never were when this kind of deplorable behavior was accepted, yet quickly corrected.

Gem needed social capital more than life. Gem lived their terms based on the focus group they were stalking for praise. It was nice to see them crash and burn by their own faulty designs, sometimes. Other times, it was a mess dealing with being chosen for them to sacrifice the semblance of friendship to make people like them more. Gem was my friend, but they’re tragic as a friend because they can’t stand on their own two feet without someone validating their toes.

What also annoyed me about Gem was their constant mode of competition. I am for everyone finding someone to compete with, as long as everyone knows they’re fighting. It’s horrible when you’re the last to know that you were in completion and you lost. Gem hated when they didn’t feel they were the center of attention. They never quit reminding us of their complete, historical archives of lovers that came for the party but never seemed to stay for the cake. All of Gem’s tales were similar of whirlwind affairs with someone from nowhere that ends with feeling the sour of severe embarrassment as their lover parades some other being as their new found partner that’s more important than the moon and stars. I had to appreciate the resilience Gem displayed every single time there was egg on their face. I have to acknowledge they know what it means to show grace under pressure because heaven knows, everyone would see my rage if that ever happened to me. Gem really knew how to keep it together. Good for them. Gem always lamented that old lovers downgraded after them, but that was laughable to me. I guess that was a messy thing to do, take some heat and subtle insults for front row seats to Gem’s payment from the universe for the fruits of their labor.

Now, Gem is an attractive person. They meet all of the requirements of the standard of beauty evident by the scores of lovers.  Although their public melts were refreshing during a hot peak of me being annoyed by their subtle insults. The fact of the matter has they had the hands to fire in the field.  As much as they wanted to claim they’re not the one to put their looks out as the only thing they like about themselves. That’s all Gem did! Well, once in a while, you would get the stores of other people praising their looks, but, it’s all the same story structure.  The main thing evident is Gem cared about what they looked like because they enjoyed the praises they got for their looks. They always felt terrible because the divide between their praise and our scorn was great. Gem was happy that they weren’t as ugly as everyone around them. They felt a firm comfort in the idea they stood out. But heaven forbid they allow gnomes to see that.

 

6:27 P.M.

Right places, wrong times is a new time; I have no way to find it.

The thing is, I can’t have my mind to make sure that I am where I see me.

There was no way to beat the message I’m filled with the confusing darkness of my worries.

The long times, I have spent in my own decent, lying to myself I’m being humble.

Seems like gold

The Queen is loving, and whispers plan to take shape.
Silent wanders around the vast grounds make others too nervous to speculate
The only other sounds the castles manages to break,
Are distant screeching waves and hurried birds calling for mates.

The Queen seems shiny, exciting and profound,
A Jewel crusted tiara ties her head up, to remind her she’s bound.
After a full day of service comes alone time to gently weep
Till Her Majesty sleeps, sweet dreams of grand plans to escape;.

An Ode to Oversharing

How am I sharing “too much” if I wanted you to know?

Secrets are subjective, depending on what comes in and go.

If I didn’t say anything, you would snoop till you’re stone cold.

Now, that I’m sharing what I want, you complain about the amount and the show.

Well, I’m going to overshare,  sit back and watch.

It’s not like you don’t like it, you’re more present than a clock.

Gym Talk #1

Gym talk:
So, I had to rush in to get my 1, 2, 3’s in and saw that every beautiful person in my town was in the gym today.
I thought, “Well, this is distracting, but I’m glad.”
I was sure it was a beautiful person day when I overheard some women shading the way Gigi Hadid walks in runway shows.
They weren’t lying tho, she has an…we call anyone supermodels these days

No Fault

I find it hard to fault women when they’re in their ‘pick me’ phase because I was there, I get it, but I hope they get out of it.
It’s a lot of work unpacking that yap-yap.  But, it’s worth it because you feel better about yourself.
Sometimes, when I hear a woman cluck her pick me rhetoric, I have an, “Okay, but, let’s think about this” approach. I give a counter-argument, and usually, there is no rebuttal. Not that I won the debate, it’s just I remember when I used to think that mess was okay.
Other times, I have an “I did that, so hopefully, none of Y’all would have to go through that” message toward it.
Either way, I hope they get out.

Garden Tool

The imaginative extremes people put themselves under to make themselves feel like they’re better than others is astounding. You try to be patient with their mindless prattle of how minor things people have done for them as the sign of undying loyalty, become the only thing they talk about. If they’re feeling more benevolent, they may give you the floor to say something, As long as it’s going to praise them.

You have to understand that some people only see others as garden tools. You’re just as useful to the person the last thing you did for them; which is never enough. There is never going to be a time when they’re self-reflecting on how they can better serve themselves and others. They love to do things as long as there is an audience of people who don’t care what they’re being served, as long as they’re served.

There is never a time to panic, but there is always room to make way for someone that doesn’t want anyone else to stand in it.