The, ‘what if’

He always worried about failing.

 

“What if I fail?” He was nervous.

 

“What if you fail? what if you fail?”

My laugh was hearty.

 

He didn’t like being laughed at when he was being open,

I didn’t like when he didn’t open himself to being laughed at.

 

“You are failing, you’re failing right now!” I sarked.

His face crumpled.

“Because you fail to see that you may fly.”

 

His smiled was quixotic as he held my hand.

 

 

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Waste

I spent years trying to impress someone that couldn’t care less

Even in his “I love you,”  it was sympathetic and under duress.

“The most beautiful women are from Georgia.”

His way of telling me he was settling for less.

 

Just Hush!

A funny memory of when I was a teen growing up in San Jose.

When I should have kept quiet.

Back in my school days, my friend took me to see her homie on the east side for a transaction.

When we got to the house, and settled, the person she was seeing kept yapping on and on about things women “don’t do for men these days, and how everyone is selfish.”

As he was ranting, I blurted out, “but aren’t you fucking (my friend) behind your baby mama’s back? Are you going to sell her drugs or not?” I was laughing and looking around like everyone was going to join in a light hearty roar. I was point my thumb like ‘this guy, amirite!?’

Nope

When I tell how silent the room fell, as if it was as the whole world just stopped to give me a side eye.

I looked around and was like okay, I got up and said, “I will see myself out.”

As I was leaving, someone was whispering, “Why did you bring her here?”

One girl, that was already in the mix before my friend and I got there let out a lone “Buuuuuttttttt..” agreeing with my statement and I turned around really quick shot  her a “she gets it!” smile. We pointed at each other in solidarity as I closed the door.

I sat out on the porch in gazed up satisfied with my statement, the girl came out. We chatted and laughed like old friends as I waited for my friend to finish her visit.

9:10 P.M.

I never thought I would tell him I loved him,

That I loved him tenderly.

I kept that secret with patience.

I kept it with grace and dignity.

 

One day, I let it slip.

And told him everything.

I felt his silence like wind.

How it was unrequited, hit me swiftly.

 

The next day, he left me.

Like a wayward traveler going by.

He was not in love with me.

It was not his secret to hide.

Hi, School Extra #1: Fame

This is a paper I turned in to English, I do not remember what I was supposed to write about, but essentially, I got a huge F on it. It was completely off topic and the content was “unsuitable”.

 

 

We should always do the right thing, doing the right thing is always right. I do not think it is very important to do the right thing at time, why do the right thing when you have power, why not use the fame that comes around with the power. If I wanted to do the right thing, I would not need to tell people, I am doing the right thing. Because I would be famous, and you do not have to worry about being good or bad when you are famous.

When you are famous, you can define what is good or bad by your standards, would your fans will not question that. I would have my friends who are good at writing at the newspapers, so they can write good things about me, all the time

Fame will rob me of my imagination, because I would be living it

The only “No” that mattered, would be mine.

Being famous wouldn’t be hard for me, I would sell myself out and short In order to ensure my name was is big and eternal. The name is more important than I am.

It would be hard to decide who gets in my inner circle, and who gets close to me for a chance to get in my inner circle.  Who gets in my inner circle is not as close to me as the ones who are close to me that will never get to know me.  Who gets in my inner circle would be more important to show the press than who gets close to me. Who I am linked with would be more important to who I might be in love with.

My best friends would sign no disclosure agreements.

I would a master at staying popular to millions of people while suffering alone in my home in Malibu. Fame can also be touch, but you would have opposed always telling you want to say.  Fame is similar to popular people here, they can be terrible people, and no one cares because they are popular. It is fame on a very small scale.

I would run into people like Halle Berry, and leave them fending for their life like Ted Kennedy.

Pass people off like chips I am losing at a poker game. When I stay famous for long enough, relationships becomes an intimate genuine, contractual obligation that would have to be fulfilled to get full payment.

I would have a public personal life that would be endearing to the fans, and a secret life I would protect with lawsuits, settlement, and retractions in tabloids.

Fame would get me the kind of friends shipped from city to city, internet executive to television executive, Charity basketball games to film festival. Glittered passport stamped in exotic time zones.  Meet mistress offshore; give 40000 to for a piece of them at night because I saw the person on a movie screen. Bizarre yacht, filled with bizarre people, languages, and food.  Only to toss it all away because I have an addiction
Display gross amounts of wealth and opulence while I demand that my privacy be respected.

 

I would keep the people that I love at a distance and my assistance close to me, because when I’m famous, I need to know the people around me can’t contractually talk about me to the media.

If I was famous, I would let it ruin me, the same way I see how being a little popular can ruin normal people. Fame would go to my head, because I have no prior experience with fame.

How Much

Note: This was from 2013.  I must of been in a mood of some sorts.

 

 

I left my fears back home,

I don’t want them no more.

They suspected I was on that.

This shot is telling you that I’m on that.

 

I don’t want to seem so crass,

Mistakes are built to last,

I’ve emptied all my love too,

To feel the pain that I’m used to.

 

If I bring no love then, will it erase my pain?

If I show my scars then can I expose my shame?

I got longing right here,

I got the time right here.

The fears at home are just mounting every day.

to stay at home will be the game that I can’t play.

These fucking words that I’ll stick to

Will show whoever I’m in love too.

 

Listen please; I can give all of this,

Let me give all of this,

I need assurance in myself.

 

Tell me you love me,

Even though I don’t love me.

Petty Letters

I wish i can remember who i was being this petty towards.  But oh well.

::

 

I wish to thank you for showing interest in having an open line of communication about maintaining a friendship with me. Unfortunately, I do not wish to have a friendship between us, as much as I wanted to, being realistic about what I have seen and been through with you, has made me decide in the end, we can support each other from a distance, not with a friendship.

I know we have not spoken about what happened in an objective light, I completely understand we never will, and that is fine, no use beating a dead horse, right?. As I think back, while trying to envision how a friendship will work between us, I look back at levels of respect and past behaviors between you and me. Sadly, by your actions and admissions, you shown and spoken to me as to you, I wasn’t a human being worth of respect and dignity, but more of a product at your disposal. You maintained inappropriate relations as you were less than honest about the propensity of your “friendships”, which you say you never cheated, but I do not think you were ever faithful (I believe, you were faithful for a period). You hiding me, It was as if you were wanted to maintain a certain image for whoever you wanted to impress (or wanted to remain single for). You kept breaking up with me when your friends from out of town/country would come visit you, and plus you regard our “relationship” with any level of respect, as you took other women out to be your dates for the day or evening. You were so open about showing on your social media about being married to another man “for fun”, yet you couldn’t bring yourself to be honest about being with me, who happened to be a different from you, or more honestly, who didn’t match up to what you thought the outside world would ‘approve’ of away from social media. Frankly, I question myself as why I am so willing to seek a rapport with you. You did not really enjoy having me around, I say that thorough your actions and your ending words, [you] “regretted ever meeting [me]”, what will make me think having a friendship with you will be better?

As much as I wanted to be your friend, I believe trust is important. If I ever have a chance at having a healthy outlook and esteem in life, I have put trust in myself. I have to be conscious about not being so desperate for people to like me and hanging around people who hurt me for the sake of not seeming like I want to fight all the time, stop selling myself short in order to make others feel good about them or me for that matter. More importantly, I have be more loving to myself. In addition, that means, not having people in my life that I have to keep desperately seeking approval from, (meaning no more “if I do/say/act this, then they will stop talking bad about/shunning me and include me”). I did that too much, and it brought be nothing but trouble. If I ever want peace with myself, I have to stop trying to find it in others.

I take complete responsibility of my actions and words towards the end. I knew better to stoop so low to a level that was unbecoming to me and say hurtful and mean things, that was never right. Yes, I thought having a friendship will make things better between us, but I would be a fool to think that would be adequate compensation for my actions. It is not. All I can do is say that I am sorry, and express my hurt over that situation.

All I want for you is to be in relationships and friendships that will make you feel good. Companionships that don’t make you feel the need you have to be dishonest about people in your life or, hide it, Someone you can stick it out with, and not constantly have to break up with, someone you can be proud of showing off to your friends and family. You deserve the best. I wish you success in your life and hope you succeed with little to no stress. I am excited to check what wonderful things you have done in the future from a distance. I truly wish you the best, you taught me a lot and I will always be grateful for our time together.

Thanks for your understanding, I truly appreciate it

PS: Again, I hope you do not find my  letter to be in anger or a petty way to get back at you. If anything our relationship was a blessing, I came out of it knowing my worth, and I will never settle for less again because of falsely thinking that less was the best for me.

On Breaking Up

(throwback)

 

On Breaking Up

 

The wild night weeps

And the night is unjustly cold

Alas, take hold, my grief dares unfolds.

 

But as morning comes

Birds sing songs of praise

Her Majesty Sun rises east,

Bringing destruction of my ways.

 

With sorrow burdened

My notes are driven true

They commiserate with might;

With cruelty, temptation plays in hues.

Like a friend in the clouds

With a sweet, mournful tone

The times I never listened

The sensations left alone.

 

With years moved along

 

From which comfort decreases

It’s the light that is challenging

With this type of pain, in pieces.