When I can

I’ll get back on track when I can

Things are wild now, you understand.

 

I can’t make moves as I did before,

I don’t know that dance anymore.

 

I’m working towards things settling, that commitments will stick

living in denial is my simple trick.

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Then, 9:01 P.M,

I am nervous right now,  I miss someone.

My heart is unraveling like a slip of the tongue.

 

I’m not entirely sure of who I am, nor what I want.

The headspace I live in; it hauntingly taunts.

9:11 P.M.

I’m not worried by the things I’m not worried about

I’m tired to the fighting; I’m going out a lot.
“The fighting?” they asked, “Wait, you’re going through a lot?

The scars are thicker than what you see; I bury the truth in thoughts.

Gym Talk #1

Gym talk:
So, I had to rush in to get my 1, 2, 3’s in and saw that every beautiful person in my town was in the gym today.
I thought, “Well, this is distracting, but I’m glad.”
I was sure it was a beautiful person day when I overheard some women shading the way Gigi Hadid walks in runway shows.
They weren’t lying tho, she has an…we call anyone supermodels these days

No Fault

I find it hard to fault women when they’re in their ‘pick me’ phase because I was there, I get it, but I hope they get out of it.
It’s a lot of work unpacking that yap-yap.  But, it’s worth it because you feel better about yourself.
Sometimes, when I hear a woman cluck her pick me rhetoric, I have an, “Okay, but, let’s think about this” approach. I give a counter-argument, and usually, there is no rebuttal. Not that I won the debate, it’s just I remember when I used to think that mess was okay.
Other times, I have an “I did that, so hopefully, none of Y’all would have to go through that” message toward it.
Either way, I hope they get out.

Garden Tool

The imaginative extremes people put themselves under to make themselves feel like they’re better than others is astounding. You try to be patient with their mindless prattle of how minor things people have done for them as the sign of undying loyalty, become the only thing they talk about. If they’re feeling more benevolent, they may give you the floor to say something, As long as it’s going to praise them.

You have to understand that some people only see others as garden tools. You’re just as useful to the person the last thing you did for them; which is never enough. There is never going to be a time when they’re self-reflecting on how they can better serve themselves and others. They love to do things as long as there is an audience of people who don’t care what they’re being served, as long as they’re served.

There is never a time to panic, but there is always room to make way for someone that doesn’t want anyone else to stand in it.

The Find

I am as lost as I feel.

I am finding the time I mind to shine what I thought I can protect in the name of self-preservation.

I waste spending time being mindful why I do not deserve to be happy.

Happiness, I guess comes with the right time and mind.

Thought of the Day #1

I find it weird when people expect you to treat them better than they knowingly treat you. It’s the kind of strained relationship that will leave someone else feeling bitter. I think what is the best thing to come out of these kinds of interpersonal relationships is to let it fade or kill the friendship outright. Even if you never get to tell the person how you feel. It’s best to make those kinds of interpersonal relations die. There is no reason you have to allow yourself to be thrown under the bus repeatedly for someone who won’t leave the driveway for you.

There is never an easy way to bow out and let things be, some people need the closure, but I find that seeking closure are you allowing yourself to open old wounds again. Knowing your relationship, no matter if platonic, work, or romantic, is one-sided will only add to the imbalance that is already in place, so it’s best to move on quietly. After all, if you already know the person is selfish, what’s the point? The other person is aware, they just don’t care. Some people can care less how they treat you as long as they get to inflict the pain.

It’s up to you to care about yourself and be on alert for people who are only on your side when you cater to their level of respect for you. Well, I say, leave them alone, find people who really care about you and put all the power you would in salvaging a single interaction and learn to give that love and energy to yourself.  At least you know self-love is reciprocated.

Know

the lie you speak is that you know me

the fire behind my eyes

the unmanaged world tries to hide.

 

Saying that you know me

we met at dawn

in the chaos of my dreams

you were made out a liar

and counted my scars

 

I woke up out of my haze, and you created the lie you say

you never tried to understand me at all.

 

Some

I am

waiting for the days

where I believe I am something

and  stop telling people my experiences mean nothing

when deep down inside, I think they are something.

I project on to others that I am nothing

because others have more to offer

and I don’t have anything

I know, I can start today

to affirm, I mean something

I remember for a few days then forget about it again

Alas, I made a great habit

of reminding myself, I am nothing

someday, I will block I am nothing and

condition myself to believe I am something

but first,

I’d like to write down that I feel like nothing

on a day I should tell myself

I am something.