The, ‘what if’

He always worried about failing.


“What if I fail?” He was nervous.


“What if you fail? what if you fail?”

My laugh was hearty.


He didn’t like being laughed at when he was being open,

I didn’t like when he didn’t open himself to being laughed at.


“You are failing, you’re failing right now!” I sarked.

His face crumpled.

“Because you fail to see that you may fly.”


His smiled was quixotic as he held my hand.



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Play One: Anna


Two WOMEN are seated across from each other.

WOMAN ONE, is frantically scribbling down in a notebook. She looks up occasionally at the other Woman.

WOMAN TWO is looking on, worried.

woman one

(to herself)

If i don’t get this, i never will. If only I had did this right– the first time– I know i can spot a good writer, i know i can why didn’t i?

Woman One GROANS.

Woman One SLAMS her closed fist hand down on the table softly, shucks.

Woman one composes herself. she continues to violently flip the pages, as she scribbles in notebook.

Woman Two stares at woman one with concerning annoyance.

Woman Two LOUDLY clears her throat.

Woman One is not paying attention her surroundings.

Woman Two softly puts her hand over Woman One’s pencil as she smiles gingerly.

Woman One keeps her gaze on the paper.

Woman One jerks up a bit and looks at Woman Two.

Woman One sarcastically gives Woman Two attention.



 Wh-whaat are you writing?



You wouldn’t understand, It’s going to get me back on the top

woman two


On-on th-the top

Woman One softly shakes her head “Yes”.

Woman One looks up from the notebook

Woman One frantically SHREDS the papers, and flicks it to the side.

Woamn One begrudgingly sits-up in her chair. and stares down Woman Two.


Well DOCTOR, In 1971 I worked for big movie studio as a movie executive. (sighs)… I was the (air quotes) “Winning”. I was on the top until i voted against, what turned out to be big hit. I voted for a cult classic where everyone now spoofs the ending to make a joke or two. I regret ever saying that big movie will be a flop. I should of never had said that, I was under so much stress. I didn’t even read the script, I was too busy doing other things…

Woman One Looks on into the horizon, SIGHS.


I was worried about things that didn’t matter. American Graffiti never reached that kind of the success Star Wars did. If only I was paying attention. No, no. Never again, never will I do something like that again.

Woman One keeps writing, obsessively.

Doctor cocks her head to the side and shakes it softly.


Well quite frankly, no body really believed Star Wars was going to make it, Even Lucas said that himself..

…Doctor gives a long heavy sigh….

Doctor (continued)

…In countless, countless, and even more countless interviews.

Doctor silently whines. Talking without moving her lips..


(very, very softly)

…just let it go.

Woman One sits up, offended.

Woman One

I know the mistake because people see me as a failure. After that incident, I just been losing at life.

Woman one changes her tune, suddenly.


(shakes her head NO)

I have been writing a lot of great screenplays lately.



You have written all of them.

Doctor furrows her brow as  she shakes her head in disgust.


(forced, nicely)

you’re quite persistent in this calling, this desperate need to find the next great big film, When did it start?

woman one


It started when things went south for me, when do you think?..

Woman One softens her voice…


I just don’t want to be known as the person that is always doubting things that will turn out to be great. I keep letting everyone down.


(leans in)


Woman One looks off and shakes her head.

woman one


Well, of people.


I know, you have said that. I am looking for who, who says you are a ruined person?

Woman One silently looks at her writing.


I should of looked at things more, but i was so rushed back then. I was doing so much that was not necessary, but I thought it was.

Doctor puts her hand up in a stop, pat motion,



There are a lot of things always look back with should, would, and could. Hindsight is always 20/20. And plus, you made your money. Both movies did well.One is a cult classic.

Woman One stops her writing abruptly.

Woman one keeps he head down, her eyes dart to Doctor.

woman one



Doctor quickly adjust herself in her chair.


Uh, well, yeah. It’s like, an actual good movie. You know, and it’s not lampooned to death, depending on who you ask.

Doctor picks up and starts twirling her pencil, she makes hand motions to complement her talking.


You know, like–Lunchboxes, and cheese platters, stuff like that.

woman one

(drops shoulders)

Well, i guess your right.


And besides, you are stuck in the past, If you would notice all the good things you have done for your career, you would have seen that you have been a great success.

Woman one

I don’t really see past that day, I guess. Wow, thanks Doctor STEVENS,  you have really helped me break my mind up a bit.

Woman one begins to laugh, weirdly.

Doctor Stevens lightly chuckles, fake.

Doctor Stevens CLEARS her throat in a serious manner.


So ANNA, Now that we got that out of the way, I need you to tell me about the night of December 8th.

Anna kicks back in her chair, folds her arms casually and shakes her head softly, as she looks up to the ceiling.


well, Detective Stevens. First, it’s weird your parents named you Doctor. Wha–wha–what’s going on there?

Doctor Stevens puts her hand up and shakes her head.

DOCTOR STEVENS (continued)

No, no, no, let’s not do that– today, you murdered your husband. There is insurmountable evidence—I mean– you posted his heart and lungs on social media

Detective Doctor Stevens pulls out a picture from a manila folder and shoves the picture in front of Anna

Anna leans in to the picture.

Anna nods at the picture and swishes the picture back to Detective Doctor Stevens.

Anna casually leans close to Doctor Stevens from across the table.


(chilling casually)

Well Doctor, i had to kill him because he was persistent in his abuse.

Detective Doctor Stevens makes an upward pulling motion with her hand

Two POLICEMEN walk into the interrogation room and pulls Anna up

One Officer arrest her

The Other Officer READS her her Miranda Right’s


(standing up)

That’s all i needed.



You’re welcome.

Anna slyly smiles and keeps her gaze on Decetive Doctor Stevens as she is whicked away by the two police men.


Perception Detection

Perception is like grazing as you eat your wheat and drink your milk, but at the same time, you are still hungry for something different. Yet, you still crave the wheat and milk because you do not want to change, Not that you do not want to change but the “if it’s not broke, don’t fix it” mentality is there. Stagnant, but it works. The key is staying safe, and safety is the key. It is as if we have to make ourselves standout by reducing ourselves to mundane hashtags.

It is now standard to see people cheaply market, or sell, the idea of self-purpose. People rather aggressively sell themselves as[1] who they are rather just being who they are. Who you are is now seen as an imitation of a celebrity, who has been designed by a committee, another hashtag. Being who you are is scary now. Wanting to be different yet, clinging to the same archaic ideas of self that no longer serve a purpose for growth. One can put up there is a change in life on social media, while still doing the same things they secretly resent about themselves due to not knowing how to begin to change themselves.

My teachings in perception can have me seeing so much and not so much at the same time.  What if we are so focused on the change that we are not changing, or we are so interested in staying the same that we are changing? You can still be subjective when you are trying to stay as objective as possible… We use language to move things right along, as officers do in campy television shows. However, it is hard to use a definitive label to show people who we are soul wise. It is watered down because we use general labels that can mean sweeping variances to different people. It is too much to understand what the outside thinks of you, and then you look to the outside to set in stone your personality. Confirmation bias plays a key in developing one’s self, but at what expense are we so focused on the ‘out’ that we do not understand or internalize what we like and see from within. As of we do not recognize ourselves in the mirror but we know ourselves better than anyone else. Independence brought by social conditioning.

[1] When I make this claim, I want you to think of like someone photo shopping. It is like having a Photoshop personality; people are striving for the staging of a personality set or trait rather than actually being what they are selling, such as the personality set or trait. For example, someone saying that they are adventurous, but really, they are not.