Dear Diary: Isn’t It a Gem?

I haven’t seen Gem for a few months now. We used to be very close. To the point where we secretly hated each other but still made it a point to see each other every day. I liked them as a friend, but it was tiring for me to worry about if I was saying the right thing or not. It seems some friendships are built on competition, but only one side knows they’re competing. It was exhausting, but that was what made Gem shine. They always needed to feel that something about them was better than everyone in the room. If they didn’t feel it, they had a handy supply of snide remarks about close friends to get people to look at the person less than they did before, if even. Humans tend to base their opinions on others based on what someone has said about them; good, bad, or indifferent.

We all do it; it’s why we love the news so much.  We tend to base our opinions based on the emotion or information we receive the report. The fact of the matter is, we all pick and choose things that serve our interest in our line of thought. We tend to translate that when we get details on people, we are about to meet through someone.  It’s up to you if you sway to formulate your own opinion about a person or keep building a personality profile based on what someone else had said about them. Gem had an interestingly vindictive, sweet but degrading way of describing people she felt insecure about to others.  Their end goal was the same: As long as they thought the victim was blindsided by a cold introduction to their “other group of friends,” they won the campaign trail. It’s hard not to feel sorry for Gem in a way that you can feel sorry for a thief that steals bread to feed their family. Gem is pathetic, but they’re only trying to feel like the cool kid they never were when this kind of deplorable behavior was accepted, yet quickly corrected.

Gem needed social capital more than life. Gem lived their terms based on the focus group they were stalking for praise. It was nice to see them crash and burn by their own faulty designs, sometimes. Other times, it was a mess dealing with being chosen for them to sacrifice the semblance of friendship to make people like them more. Gem was my friend, but they’re tragic as a friend because they can’t stand on their own two feet without someone validating their toes.

What also annoyed me about Gem was their constant mode of competition. I am for everyone finding someone to compete with, as long as everyone knows they’re fighting. It’s horrible when you’re the last to know that you were in completion and you lost. Gem hated when they didn’t feel they were the center of attention. They never quit reminding us of their complete, historical archives of lovers that came for the party but never seemed to stay for the cake. All of Gem’s tales were similar of whirlwind affairs with someone from nowhere that ends with feeling the sour of severe embarrassment as their lover parades some other being as their new found partner that’s more important than the moon and stars. I had to appreciate the resilience Gem displayed every single time there was egg on their face. I have to acknowledge they know what it means to show grace under pressure because heaven knows, everyone would see my rage if that ever happened to me. Gem really knew how to keep it together. Good for them. Gem always lamented that old lovers downgraded after them, but that was laughable to me. I guess that was a messy thing to do, take some heat and subtle insults for front row seats to Gem’s payment from the universe for the fruits of their labor.

Now, Gem is an attractive person. They meet all of the requirements of the standard of beauty evident by the scores of lovers.  Although their public melts were refreshing during a hot peak of me being annoyed by their subtle insults. The fact of the matter has they had the hands to fire in the field.  As much as they wanted to claim they’re not the one to put their looks out as the only thing they like about themselves. That’s all Gem did! Well, once in a while, you would get the stores of other people praising their looks, but, it’s all the same story structure.  The main thing evident is Gem cared about what they looked like because they enjoyed the praises they got for their looks. They always felt terrible because the divide between their praise and our scorn was great. Gem was happy that they weren’t as ugly as everyone around them. They felt a firm comfort in the idea they stood out. But heaven forbid they allow gnomes to see that.



12:03 A.M.

I left a truth that I was an image; a crappy token. I thought I spoke their language no, it wasn’t showing. I made time to catch their issues when they failed, but my existence was a mere springboard to their wails.  Oppressive things, they thought we had in common; it was alarming to find out they thought this was a cute way for deep bonding. They fed off of plagiarized words with shapeshifting careless bases; as they take the credit while I’m remaining nameless.  All the money spent —I call it time, the snakes would jump out and boast as entitled swine.   Take it upon themselves to make things even weirder. I thought my dismissal was disgustingly clear.

Now that partnership is dead.  Oops, they misread.

They thought I was a scribe, no run in bribes.

Kicked them out with no look back, now they feel attacked.

The news rocked that I was bad, but really I was glad.



Of Fire

When interested in fire, it’s not a necessity to burn yourself. However, some choose self-emulation when they try to personalize an aspect of crude zeitgeist to impress a gawking, meme informed public. They don’t care if they burn the entire town and escape bridges down with their willingness to set things ablaze carelessly. They rather walk in the fire they started than escape being ashes. Meaning, instead of taking into account of what others are concerned about, or how they hurt people, they do what celebrities when they anticipate bad publicity. They jump ahead of the story and give a rousing speech they realize they need to do better as a sibling, source, and child, they want to really touch all their bases. They have made this jump so many times, they know which hoops and words to use to complete their successful circus run.

Although these shams have been put on repeatedly in the exact same way. The leering public still reacts as if it is a fresh, new product that has never been done before.

As always, these spectacular announcements are met with open arms and praises. Everyone around them is happy this ‘new year, new person’ finally see what others have been asking them to look at for a long time. However, the display of support is what the charlatan is truly looking for. The act of “wanting” to be a better person is just as good as the next time they’re called to perform on stage with their solo scene of contrition. I can’t hide my distrust when I review this kind of movies because they’re just that. A movie to poorly pitch emotional maturity.

Real change comes with self-reflection and a willingness to cognitively find a better way to adjust the behavior. It seems when these players go on public apology tours. It’s meant to garner a compassionate reaction from the crowd, then hold themselves accountable for their offense. Otherwise, they wouldn’t feel the need to go on a tour; the change in the behavior would be evident.

Of course, there are special cases. but there is something to be said about a person who is constantly apologizing and backtracking for the same thing by ordinary.

Political Shade #2

We all have high tower moments. Times where we think we’re doing something better than other people. Life benchmarks, we don’t know where we got from, but we are proud of surpassing. Oddly, these personal “gold star” moments somehow become the presented as redeeming characteristics. For example, when someone says they graduated college, others automatically assume that person is intelligent. When really, if you think of it, the student that graduated last in their class— still graduated—you know what I mean? Still, some people use having a college degree an indication of their intelligence. Mind you, having a college degree brings great benefits, however, it’s not in the indication that someone is more intelligent than another that does not have a college degree. A degree indicates that you did the work required to get a degree.

Amanda Seales highlights this example with her latest social media gaffe. Measuring construal benchmarks that are historically discriminatory as an indication of whether someone is “winning” or “losing” in life.  Let’s set aside that she doesn’t take in account that not everyone is allowed the same background, opportunities, and resources to obtain papers to please her benchmark sensibilities. However, let’s highlight that she is giving baseless insight no one asked her for.

Her Hightower moment has me wondering if she’s going to come down from her pedestal to do something.  Has she laid out plans to launch a national program to remedy this situation that she finds offensively detrimental to human life? If she has no plans, then I’m not sure why she’s being judgemental about something that does not concern her in the least bit. I bet if someone launched social media attacks about her not living up to their standards, she would be on every liberal radio station, show, podcast, and live stream on this green earth complaining that she was attacked while covering each social issue that would justify her hurt, but here she is, giving anti-black, urban and poor, sentiment because she falsely gave herself the impression that it’s her business to do so.

We can all agree people should do what makes them happy as long as it is not hurting other people. So if someone is stacked with the latest Jordan’s, absent-minded about their credit score as they fall asleep on a deflating air mattress, so what? Is she going to make a house call and fix their life like Ilyana, or is the twitter backtrack going to be her act of contrition?  Wouldn’t her time be better spent promoting the projects she’s working on rather hoisting her sanctimonious dribble as intelligent discourse? I didn’t think she could have found the worst way to broadcast to the world that she has nothing better going on in her personal life, but here we are.

Pecksniffian people like Amanda Seales always come to show where their true activism lies, sure, she says she for all people, but if that was the case, she wouldn’t be talking about passports and Jordan’s. Championed for shutting down Catelyn Jenner, Amanda is a rockstar when it comes to gender and race.  Most people are loyal to the causes that directly affect them. Most people know more about the issues that society as if they are directly affected by said issues. Amanda is a goddess when it comes to race and gender issues. She is passionate and eloquent. Economic disparities, not so much, she needed to keep this to herself and educate herself on why. If she knew the causes, reasons, and effects, she would not have or mind to make her simon-pure statements.

I am disappointed she thinks it is her business to make offhanded remarks about what people choose to buy. Most likely, people who live in the way she’s bashings are not her target audience. I also think that she found it easy to target them because society shames poor people as a whole. We love to think people can budget their way out of poverty, but that is not the case. Her Hightower comments are unnecessary and reckless.

9:35 P.M.

I zoned out looking at ice cream in the store when a woman lightly patted my back.

“It’s going to be okay.” She had a commandingly soothing voice.  She opened the freezer door and made her selections. She smiled quietly as she pushed her cart away.

I was confused at that one sided interaction. I didn’t feel sad, I wasn’t crying last time I checked. I held my level of confusion all the way out the store. Until I caught my reflection in the store’s front glass.

My eyes were bloodshot red, and my clothes styled a mess.

I enjoyed my high so much, it was devastating.

She was right; I moved on the day thinking how sweet of her to just– know.



Political Shade #2

Social media edition

I love a good social media battle, sometimes. I am the first to sit down in the season ticket holder area to watch gladiator fight with intensity. I get the gist why the two sides are at odds–I always check the information on the back of the ticket. However, as I tune carnage with delight. I notice something off about the way the fight is displayed, there is more spectator rushing down the aisles to fight.  I begrudgingly remark I have seen this mêlée before; it is like watching a music video back to back with the same dance moves, lyrics, and beat, just with different musicians.  The theme is unsurprising:  someone leaked sensitive information about an individual, for the sake of ridicule and embarrassment. As the clash heads on, the formulaic protocol manifest by, share shade (when the warring faction shares a statement Witten by someone on the outside of the drama[usually from a close messy friend]),  the influx of new followers, and supportive spectators using their hometown hero for a stepping stool to gain popularity.

Shade share happens when sides want to highlight support they have in times of battle. Primarily, the gladiator will shade share a message with someone they are close to in the physical world. These messages are crafted to attack the other side’s credibility and focus on the beloved SMF (social media figure) working tirelessly to help people in need. Salacious drama with implied plugs to the SMF good work, bring out crowds showing interest. Shortly after, new follower and friend requests take shape. As the numbers of new faces explode, the battle becomes muddled; no one is exactly sure what needs to be done in order for both sides to come to an agreement to settle things. Share shades derail work that needs rectifying.

A Huge announcement made by spectators, as they fly down the aisle, looking for a fight. The battle transforms into a continual war. Instead of the two sides solely focusing on the issues. They are focusing on spectators making announcements on where their alliances lie as well as the issue they originally have with the other side. Spectator support is conditional. As long as the faction keeps making the happy by their words, then they will add unnecessary drama on their favorite faction’s behalf. Most time, when people pick a side. They are not picking who they think is ultimate right, they are picking who they think will ultimately win the battle in the court of public opinion. When announcements take place, the spectator may find the fame as a gladiator.

Spectators meddling in affairs that have nothing to do with them can land them with fame and support they were giving their favorite SMF. The rise of stardom on the back of someone else’s drama is how many people get their shot at internet fame, the only problem is the way they reach the top is the way you’re going down, and the spectator usually finds themselves ill equipped to handle a battle when drama comes their way.

It’s a shame when battles take place with the familiar framework that someone leaked information they were not supposed to. Nevertheless, when spectators start to over exaggerate their place in the fight because of shade sharing; that’s when the battle ceases to be about the parties involved and more about the spectators fighting in the name of being included. Spectators take it to the next level with the announcements that are unnecessary as they unwittingly make their way to the top of the social media food chain. I complain that this battle is too staged, and this has been done before.

I am complaining as I am glued firmly to my seat with my season pass in my grip.



Thought Police


It is time to go up on stage, you been mandated a star now. The only rule is to make them proud; you belong to the public now.  They cite your thoughts as if you have personally spoken their truths-. They comment back they “feel you” as if you are the embodiment of the finest silk woven from words of gold.  A socially intellectual star is born. They demand codes you do not decipher yourself. They want it in messages that make clear that art is not peace but war; you still have a great responsibility to the community. Act One.

Your stardom will have followers issue ultimatums you take heed to their leadership. Your once celebrated ivory tower is now a prison of repressed thoughts and missed communication. Your image of the illustrious luminary based on communal feastings of intense imagery fantasized because of monetary gain in public deprecation. They only consider your activism based on their cozy thoughts.  After a while, it becomes less about the cause, and more about the spectacle you can deliver. Whether it speaks to their judgment or not. Eventually, a wayward soul misrepresents their importance while they have silent volunteers rush to their rise. They indirectly feed into other’s feelings of insignificance.  No one believes in killing his or her ideality off before cooking for consumption. Live feastings are the delectable taste of the constantly livid.  Spotlight on your act two, you are a star– remember?

The throws of activism porn are more about the center stage rather than the actual message heeded and taking into consideration to make good changes in society. The audience is in the rafters, but the players are looking for a show. No one wants to be on center stage but everyone loves the sighting as it grows. It is asking too much for those who tell you what to do and demand you think more of them than yourself to take their own misguided advice and make changes for themselves.  That is not in the script. Direction is mandatory for a show you did not audition for, but the public is here and they decide your activism galore.

A display they do not even end up watching, they demand more run of the seasons. A show that they think is too big for them; they want more complexity from the characters. A channel that does not even come on their cable subscription, they can engage in lively debates about. Not a search for the show on the internet, but they find a way to make use of their criticisms as if fresh perspectives were formulated from their synapse to the click of their mouse to tell you how to run their show

This is the zombie manifestation we idolize in movies and fear on our television screens, a new kind of mindless, and a new kind of show. Not for thinking, and not to be known.

It’s only for some, supposedly.

I have been noticing a trend with my straight girlfriends, (guys too, but I do not care about them so much) whenever a person comes up to me to talk, flirt, dance, whatever the case may be. My friends have a negative analysis of what was of that conversation and why that guy came up to me.

“He’s super wasted, don’t waste your time.”

“He looks like a fuck boy, and he’s ugly.”

“He’s only going to use you as a fetish.”

“Guys will screw anything.”

“Why was he talking to you?”

Sometimes, it is not even a comment; it is a very weird gaze, as if they are seeing a ghost.

This usually comes with some unsought advice with what I SHOULD[1] do with how I look. As if, they are speaking the sentiments of the masses.   Because we are friends, “the masses” designated her to “let me down gently” in regards to something; I did not seek her opinion about.” Should” is the passive aggressive way to shame someone.

“I do make-up, so I can hook you up.”

“You should look up this YouTuber, They do make up for girls like you, and they have skin care tips.”

“What if you started to dress like…?”

“I want to see you with your hair…”

Now, when the shoe is on the other foot, and people are perusing the same girlfriends.  Everyone around treats it like it is the natural way of things. It is a cause for continual celebration.

“Girl, these guys are always on you. You’re so pretty of course that would happen.”

“He’s wants it!  Remember back in college when those two guys were fighting over you?  It’s going to be like that all night tonight.”

“I’d let my boyfriend cheat me with you.”

I think there is much to be said about the narrowing beauty standards we hold ourselves and others to. To me, the concept of “beauty” is nothing more than a cheap contractual obligation to imitate what is considered “beautiful” from a personal marketing stance point.

It seems that you are only beautiful these days if you can slap a tutorial with it, and put it on social media.

Sometimes, I want to give my friend an endearing hug, and say “its okay, guys can be attracted to me without taking away from you, don’t cry, you still have more followers than I.”  Only because some treat it like the ultimate insult to their looks and livelihood if a blue moon rises for a second time that year, and someone hits on me.

It is like how people who are used to a comedian in funny slapstick movies get confused and repulsed when that comedian takes on a dramatic romantic role.  It does not sit well with some folks while they are looking at the movie screen. I see it like that for me when guys approach me around my girlfriends. They get confused, as if I am bound to this certain role and labels, because that is how they have defined me for so long. When I indirectly break away from that “stereotype”, it is weird for them.

It’s not to me though, it’s important to be multifaceted.  I couldn’t imagine following a crowd just to be well liked…see?

Everyone is perfect to someone.  Even You.

Everyone is ugly to someone. Even You.

It takes all kinds.

[1] By the way, I hate the word SHOULD when one is imposing unsolicited advice especially on some looks.  In that case, “should” is the passive-aggressive way of shaming someone to meet your personal ideal.


Political Shade #1

So shade is shade. Let us forget about the stupid question, what would take up her time to do her job? Other than nothing. Kellyanne Conway bounced back and not only gathered the stupid question, but  shaded the entire existence out her co-workers before working with them. She said “Whelp, I’m the only one that’s going to get my job done, I don’t know about them over there with their extracurricular activities.” That kind of shade even reaches the depths of people that were minding their own business.

Even if you are not a fan of this administration, you have to admit that was hilarious. Even though, still, you don’t have to be a fan.
She came out as some people do with full intentions of bringing the mood in the room down. She did not care, she was just here to tell us this is her petty level for the next four years. Good or bad, depending how you see it, it’s going to be pretty up there too.

The interesting part is that no one took offense, because she said it with a smile on her face. Moreover, dammit, that is how it’s supposed to be done! As long as you have a pretty smile on your face, you can get away with saying anything horrible.  Cheers to the repressed. In a way, I guess. As i get to this point of the writing, why ask her how she will manage her time. Like the ones who play golf and cheat on their wives–just more efficiently.

Her little quip had me laughing till it hurt. That was a good one; I am interested in seeing what other kind of shady things she may say in the years to come. Too bad it may be less funny as time goes on.

People as Persons

Why do some “straight” men care about what the gays are doing?

If you are not into “that gay shit” then boy, why are you so pressed about “that gay shit” wtf? Moreover, to sprinkle the icing on the top of this, he says, “I don’t care what they do in bedroom, just keep it out my face.”

I said, “Well it seems to me the “gay shit” has been in your bedroom and face by the way you’re going on and on about it.”

Of course, I was ignored, as usual, but moving on.

I thinking, ‘Get your book out Stephanie it is time to read. And this time, speak up.’

I told him that he could come and tell me anything he feels that needs to be lifted off his chest.

He asked, “What do you mean?”

I told him, “I meant what I said, you’re not fooling me. Umm, I bet you have a Grinder. You are Stacy Dash-ing the hell out of yourself. Nobody would be this worried about other’s sexuality…unless they are wrestling with his or her own. But what do I know?” (I took a little sip of something- something, waiting for a slap to my face.)

Gggiiirrrrllllll, when I tell you that man was ready to punch me after I said that.  He was READY. He was ready to act out every fight scene, ever made in every movie in the world.

Because deep down inside, he knew he is a straight man from 5:00am until 11:30pm Monday through Friday, excluding holidays, with his DL ass.