Dear Diary: Gem encrusted Gnomes

Garden Gnomes

Gem has the gull to bite because The Garden Gnomes protect them. They don’t allow the rose to feel offended. They are suitable for stopping you mid-rant to assure (warn) you, “It is how it is” and ask (demand) you to move on, ‘lest you be seen as a negative person.’ These small, gaudy lawn decorations morphed in arid, human flesh.  They rather keep the disgruntled peace than resolve uncomfortable issues by gatekeeping toxic behaviors to pass through the Kingdom of Passive Aggressive.  You can’t fault them; it’s stressful to keep up conflicts. However, why get more upset at the person being wronged than the one that is doing the wrong? Garden Gnomes instead, stand still with the elephant in the room than move gets it out of there. Garden Gnomes keep the scenery outwardly fun and quirky, like the real figurines people plop on their lawns. Sure, they want to make their house seem laid back, but the reality is, the house is one underhanded comment away from complete familial destruction.

Garden Gnomes are cautious at exposing their friendship with you for the world to see. On the one hand, they’re happy to add life to your plain exterior; on the other side, they’re embarrassed that it has to be your exterior. Garden Gnomes are excellent at being faceless saps in the face of honor. In a Garden variety gnome, they Heaven, hell, and everything in between forbids they’re ever in public with you, and they unexpectedly run into someone they respect more than you. That’s when you hear all the reasons (but the ones that are of friendship) why they’re out with a ‘person’ like you.  The real way you know how they feel about you is by the multitude of tones and evasive phrases they use in describing you depending on who is around. And as you know, anytime a garden gnome’s tone about you changes depending on who is around, you know they don’t like or care about you, but they like that you offer them things to talk about when you’re not around.

It never matters who is around when they create fake speeches about what you need to do with your life, and how they’re ‘here for you when you need anything offended This is only for the public, however. If and when you do make that call—the call they claimed they’re so happy to take—Garden Gomes end up planting themselves to take up a hefty amount of time centering themselves and their issues. By the time you get to around the reason why you called, they have to get off the line and go tend to more pressing matters.

Gem will always have asterisks by their way of accountability because Garden Gnomes refuse everything talk that might cause discomfort around them. The only thing comfortable for Garden Gnomes is the fraud they perpetrate to seem like a caring friend when all they really care about is having you around so they can thank the lucky stars they’re not you, or have any of the issues you told them in confidence.  Garden Gnomes generally believe it’s logical to make fun of someone they have zero interest in respecting, even though they give you the title as “friend.” Garden Gnomes set themselves up in your life the way the lawn ordainments do: To project fun when they’re not.

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  1. Pingback: Dear Diary: They’re not ‘that’ – Heke Writes

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