Trust

Writing is a tough one.

I want to be a famous writer. Before you laugh I would like to say, let small people have big dreams.

I wish I were the kind of writer that touches you because she was in her feelings one day and actually put out something meaningful.

I want to be the kind of writer that has cute bitches dragging her minks while she talks nonsense at a red carpet event. Not because she is nervous, but because she was with her hometown crew doing shit that had to make us turn our cell phones off because of my brand. By that time, my circle would be pretty much the same.

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drowning in a sea of my own self doubt.

One thing I have to side note: is that all of my friends talk a lot to each other, but we do not like to talk to outside people. It is a very small group of people. It is very cozy because they know me; the best party is the after party. So, we can’t record that. Nevertheless, let us put up the media friendly stuff.

I want to be that kind of writer that gets into public, destructive beefs with famous people because she misspelled a word, or did not put a comma in the right place. It seemed something so careless, yet created so carefully. Social media would have a field day, “We don’t believe you.” By then, id have to jump from that sinking ship, I panic, and do a media circuits back to my roots, humble myself and go back to writing in  small rooms.

It is extravagant and tacky, breaking mainstream takes practice, patience and. Right now, I am grasping at the rudimentary levels of writing, only to slip back into something that makes no sense when I read it later down the road.

It’s hard to stay motivated when I keep comparing myself. Most of my issue is that I keep looking at the amazing things other writers are writing. How they can pontificate on—something I have to read—so eloquently and carefully. It is like one of those fancy craft beers that I read about in the papers, but will never get around getting a Groupon when i happen to chance upon a deal. (That is actually how I find amazing writers on the internet; sometimes by chance, it is exciting.) I worry about how I do not measure up, and it is a limiting thing to do, it would be easier to put thought to paper to screen, but then it’s like, I can get to one of those, then it stops right there. In order to have something finished, I would have to have some type of constant time I would block some time to practicing writing, there has to be some form of consistency.

Like an ill-gotten change in a once great shampoo formula, I am not consistent. That is the core why I do not trust myself as a writer. I can point to the countless stacks of unfinished plot outlines, screenplays, ideas, letters, stories, and so on. On the same side,  I cannot show you one finished project that I can truly say: I kept going with it. I have bookmarked on my computer the studies, stories and truths out there; that even if it is a crappy finished draft—it is still finished—and that is the heart of it all, isn’t it? The start of any real project is when you complete the first draft. Getting over finishing a first draft is hard for me. Setting goals, times and habits to write have all been nice and cute, but staying on that task, that is another story. Most of the time, I have the great idea, and then maybe glancing over it another day, it starts to read as such terrible idea. Therefore, I am always stuck on what to write about.

Having something to write about is on the same line as finishing a draft, I suppose. On the other hand, well, you have to have something to write about to finish. Having ideas come and go and not having the pen to write it down as it rushes in like a wave has, a huge hindrance for me, other than. I keep telling myself to carry a note and pen with me, but I always forget. Moreover, when I do get a rush of something, I am usually doing something else that should have my full attention, but obviously does not. it wouldn’t hurt to just put a pen and paper in my bag now that I’m writing about it. But I want to half way finish this out before I do something else to not do what I just said I thought I should do.

Going famous is not a reason why I want to write, I mean, the money that would come with fame would help with me not being able to follow through with most things, but that is not the point. The huge downside of being famous is that, you are famous. You are constantly under a close eye of haters, fans, and everything in between, it would be too much, I would be creating P.R. nightmares with my virtues and vices. I understand I need to relax and not compare myself to other writers, I mean, there is no point, and that hinders me more than anything does, because I do not write, which is even worse for me. One of my best bets is to pick a half finished project, finish it, and then send it out and, keep pushing. There are going to be vicissitudes with this, but I am happy that this one is in the books for my Frida Hollywood. I’m going to try to keep it constant.

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