Twenty Seven: White Fish Resentment




There is a huge feeling I have of resentment.


I wish I were not able to see right through people like how fish can’t see the plastic rings that choke them to death

Then again, it is necessary that someone does not take the bait, as it seems that everyone else has.

Its funny how one thing makes someone so funny and wonderful, and if I do it (or have said it); it is automatically taken as me being weird. What’s weird are the insecure parrots we have at this school. I have sat quietly as many of these people parrot the same phrases I have said. The same things I am called weird for, other people are getting the cool and interesting treatment from others.

Every time I hear a “me-ism” from someone else, I want to punch him or her out continually while screaming, “Fuck you pay me”.


Fuck you, pay me.


People get all weird with me when I mention it, like I am some sort of crazy women, or as if I am lying.


When I had a falling out with Cro-Magnon, everyone was still rallying around her, hanging out with her, and laughing at her subtle jokes about me as I passed by her and her “I’m too scared to go against her” crowd. It was as if I am watching a group of people with battered wife syndrome; it was not until she started turning her shit onto others that is when they came up with the idea that she was a shit person.

So when she outwardly showed she was a shit person, everyone was like “well, I don’t know” as they look up into the sky and twiddle their thumbs, now she turned her unendurable nature on to others, and they want to proclaim that she was always terrible? When was she terrible? When it happened to others, as you were laughing and participating in the jokes or when it finally happened to you when you became the joke.

The other day, Bitter told Flor “if someone was talking about you, I would tell you, but if someone was talking about [my last name], I wouldn’t tell her”

I found it great that no one thought that statement was crazy.  I am “a friend” until or unless to many people.

Bitter is a service, she is a straight up party service, that  isn’t relevant until Friday happens and I want to know where to go to get drunk and see sexy guys that would never speak to me, for free.

After that, she really did try to say she had my back at a party, and I was wondering how drunk she was. And did she forget what she said to Flor?


Another terrible thing that seems to never go away, everyone love it when they can get ethnic validation, but if they do not need it (or someone “cooler” gave them the validation they so crave) I have Smelly Whitefishes telling me they are blacker than I am.

Cameos at Africa made them feel special, I guess.

Why is it a competition for whose black enough, I can tell when someone “needs this” Some people really need this. Notice how they never say this to Jessica, or Carmichael or to any black person for that matter, but they can tell me.


All the time in the world along with a prematurely ended season, to Freudian slip me to death with comparing how much cooler they are than me.

I notice it does not take much to crush someone’s self-esteem, and I think everyone should be lucky that I do not tend to say much or anything for that matter.  I think they should be very lucky.

I can see right through them, like right through them. Like completely, you are not fooling me. Not [my last name] by one shot.

Imagine the utter chaos if I used that against them.  We would see a lot more people on the roof of the drama building and we might get them to jump.



Today, I heard three black people and some unfortunate whites say, “Mixed girls are prettier”

Prettier than who?  Surly, they never been to Africa, or any country in Africa. I bet they do not even know where Africa is.

For someone to be pretty, it depends of the genetics, not if one has a different race parent or something like that.

They never say that for black boys, but always for black girls. “Redbone” her bones are not red because she is light. And don’t they know black comes in different shades, I wonder

Local Champions. All of them. Local Champions.

The people that were saying this, I think this is about as pretty and popular as they are going to be, these people reached their “max.”

You get that at the Island too, ThatOne with zero self-esteem is put to a beautiful high regard because she is mixed. No telling on how insufferable her having no self-esteem is. (NO one is making it “worse” here, while I cannot get a break at home, or at school) No one cares that she’s using it to her advantage (like attention), in fact that’s better for the jealous rats that hang out with her, they can drain her, and build her back up as they please; all of her power is in her friends  and the lame guys that surround her.  Each week she comes with a new self-degrading thing to say, but everyone go “oh no, that’s awful, that’s not true”

Ok, I have been aware of her for years, and she has been doing this since I was aware of her, when are people going to catch on that this is what fuels her? Comparison happens when you have been outed of your self-esteem by outside factors by force.  Therefore, you have to claw at anything to feel good about yourself. In reality, if you feel good, you do not have to compare if you look worse or better than someone else does.

Even though people think I am ugly, I do not think I am. I am the only person on the world that thinks I am beautiful, that is perfectly fine with me, and that took a long time, to think that. It is hard to think that too because it is so easy to be caught up in what others think of me. But I wouldn’t say that I’m prettier or uglier than someone else as a fact, when I think that, usually I’m sad about myself. but I don’t think much of that,(I do, sometimes), because I don’t compete where I don’t fit in. I learned that it is not a good thing when I was at Davis, but it took until now to understand that.

When people say others are ugly. People get defensive and fight, calling that person out for being rude. When it is said aloud that I am ugly, sometimes by the same asshole that proclaiming the beauty of everyone standing around me. No one says anything. Not my so-called friends. They look down at their feet and look off to the side.  And try to change the conversation, quickly

Some of my friendships are based on the terms of the lease, but why do I have to sign a lease when they allow everyone else to ride them for free?