Eighteen: Personal Concepts

Personal Concepts

 

Oak Grove has many beautiful people with no interest in themselves.

People slap label on people all the time, it doesn’t mean that you have to live out that label.

Telefatty asked me what I would look like if I dressed up a little.  What do you think I would look like? You fat nobody, I would look a little dressed up to school.  What Henry James novel is in style into this month?

I am not dressing up for school. Why do people get dressed up for school? You are going there to learn, not be scouted for modeling agencies. That is what the mall is for.

No matter how they say it or who is saying it, I always notice one thing about that person. They have a shape like an abstract painting. Who knew Franz Kline’s paintings would come to life in human form in?

“I wonder what you would look like if…” is one of the most disrespectful questions out there when it comes to asking unsolicited questions. What if I asked, “I wonder what you would look like without that genetic disaster you call a face?” On the other hand, what if I asked, “I wonder what you would look like if you were ten pounds lighter.”  People love themselves with a passion here, and that’s good thing, but I did not know that self-love came with unwarranted, unsolicited advice.  Again, I’m missing out.

Its cringe worthy that I have heard that question more than once. They think it’s well meaning. I think they mean well in showing me how they can waste their time imaging me in such manner. If I asked my friends or enemies what they think I could do to look better, I would ask, but I didn’t. Why tell me in “rhetorical question” what you want me to do? I am not going to do it like you are not going to make a CCS playoff, dance final, or out of the island, so I guess we are even.  Last time I checked. I’m collecting medals like some people’s trophy cases at home are collecting “PARTICIPANT” ribbons and broken dreams  from the second rate job they’re doing to keep visible for long enough for a yearbook photo.

I am not going to fix myself up, fix up for what. Let us say I do. Am I going to be invited to these trash love decahedron everyone seems to be participating in this semester? Is that the end goal? Get pretty so a person can have me as a girlfriend here and a girlfriend at Santa Teresa? Can you imagine, I’m getting direction from people who can’t even direct themselves properly in friendships or relationships.

Half the time, the ones telling me to fix this or that about me are confiding in me that they don’t like things about themselves. I really do scrunch my face at that. So I’m a lunchtime therapist on your terms but whenever you feel as if you need a passive aggressive target. You think of me, how sweet.

You don’t like the way l look, but you trust me enough to know you are the deepest inner workings of your soul.  If it were easier to be evil, I would be on to something.

There was a time the prissier trash-talkers took me aside and did my hair afterschool sophomore year.  Because they wanted to “hook me up” and they fixed it all nice, straighten it, while telling me that they were “helping me”. They helped me by doing my hair. And I thought ‘So, by them doing this, was this going to help me get an A in history or was this going to help me get an A in math?’ After that, none of them said “hey, I’m going to “hook you up” by helping you with studying” No, they went for my hair because they thought that was” helping me”. I thought it would be more charming of them to “hook themselves up” with better social habits, or learning how to drive.  Can’t even help themselves out of the remedial classes, but they can help me “look good” for who? Them? That weird, home improvement projects, yet still no signs of improvement.

What actually happened was a bunch of girls wasted their time that day. I thought they were being nice to me, but then I remembered it was the pack of intricate dogs that can’t fetch, but can bark. If I asked them to proof read a paper for me, they would smile back and tell me “I can’t do that, you nappy headed bitch” I would think, “See, that’s another thing you can’t do.”

I read the quote “beauty lies in the eye of the beholder” I don’ know who said it. I think it was Shakespeare, he is hard to understand but he is deep, at least that is what they’re always saying at the college discussion things. I always found the most beautiful people do not trade themselves for others. They do not try to get others to believe that they are beautiful. They do not have to sell it because what is the point of beauty if you always have to prove it. Being beautiful is a way to feel, not a way to look. I finally understood what that angry woman was talking about during the discussion.   The most beautiful people are the most intriguing ones, the ones that may not have the current looks but they have your lasting attention. The ones that you want to find out more and more about how they work and think. Beauty is “subjective” that means, its subject to you. Like how a baseball game is subject to weather conditions, beauty is subject to how you feel about it.

Is it selfish of me to want people to be more interested in understanding that?  What is beautiful to one person may not be for others.

With that said, I think some of my classmates would find solace in that we are not the same.

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