When I can

I’ll get back on track when I can

Things are wild now, you understand.

 

I can’t make moves as I did before,

I don’t know that dance anymore.

 

I’m working towards things settling, that commitments will stick

living in denial is my simple trick.

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Then, 9:01 P.M,

I am nervous right now,  I miss someone.

My heart is unraveling like a slip of the tongue.

 

I’m not entirely sure of who I am, nor what I want.

The headspace I live in; it hauntingly taunts.

The Voice In Your Head

You were put on this earth to make others feel better

others were not put on this earth to make you feel better.

 

You were raised with the wind to carry your dreams

your microburst of energy is the reason for your floods.\

 

Slide with the beat, my your dance is unique

the trip on your feet with your missteps that reek.

 

Every day is an excellent day per say

it’s the small, hurtful voice in your head

that ruins you till bed.

Side

Lie times by any side that claims victory

after all, the victor gets to write history.

Times lie by the side that screamed in defeat.

After all, the loser is shamed by history.

What of the generations reeling after defeat?

it must be in their DNA

it must be

Dear Diary: Sensitive Brutes

There isn’t anything worse than an asshole who can’t take the heat of their cooking. What did this hardcore crybaby think, was going to happen? That, someone, wasn’t going to make their abstract insults as concrete reasons to issue a beat down either verbal or physical? Even the head Lion gets challenged once in a while. There is always an idyllic, younger lion looking to fight the ion which is that lion. The fights end the same; with the status quo maintained, or not.

Sensitive Brutes are the ones who can’t take what the give out, but dammit, they’re going to keep serving us dishes they did not help create. However, you’re still going to get detailed information as if they were in the food cellar thinking about ways to make food more iconic to everyone that ever locked eyes with them as the pull and muddle through their vast collection of alcoholic fruit punch. The only issue is they don’t know the name of the dish they’re campaigning as a heavenly treat. They assumed you were going to buy in and not ask questions about what they’re serving you.

Keep in mind, these delicate barbarians are sensible to their issues but not anyone else’s. They always have a rundown handy of everything everyone has ever done  (“good” or “bad”) that fits the narrative they want to frame about someone. If someone makes a Sensitive Brute feel insecure about their looks, they will, in turn, spread information for people to watch/listen for small buzzwords and mannerisms that can be interpreted just as the Sensitive Bute described it. Sensitive Brutes are quick to say “I told you that person is stuck up, look how they flip their hair” when in reality, the person is flipping their hair to get it out of the way. They keep tabs on everyone, but heaven forbid someone meets them at their game and pulls out their autobiography. The Sensitive Brute will be quick to tell everyone how much they’ve grown and seen as an exceptionally evolved form of themselves.

Finally, sensitive brutes are quick to remind you of the wrong someone did to you back in ’98, but they never remember the wrongs they did to you three minutes ago. Even if they suddenly burst out of their soap opera-like amnesia, they have great reasons for throwing you under the bus to protect themselves. These sob stories usually come off as them trying to “make a bounce back from trauma” but when you rip the emotionally charged words out of their speech. It’s nothing more than a hefty complaint of that one time they were held accountable for their crock of crap, and they’re still bitter about that till this day. Not to mention the isolation they felt when there was no Garden Gnome insight to lessen the blow for them or to take the blame. They’re always going to make it their mission to chop others down so no one will realize they’re miserable and want others to be miserable with them.

As long as a sensitive brute come off as more brutish than high-strung, none is the wiser. At least, according to them.

Everyone is a different version of themselves to someone, remember?  Being a sensitive brute might work for some people because it works out for others. I have to ask myself if I am shut out from knowing the cry bully for who they are and cut short what I think they’re worth but at the same time. It’s what I see, and that thought can also be just me. I can be on an island with this.

You’d think it’s better to see the trees for the forest or the other way around. I’m not sure, how that saying works, but I like it because it’s mysterious and beautiful.

 

Save All Hope

Save all the hope of getting places with these little things that make you smile

send off the dreams of feeling like there is nothing else to believe in

but the lies of the wandering eye that keeps the focus lost on all amounts

toss busy hands in the air as sinful acts take place

in the space between seeing things and believing in dreams.

Dear Diary: They’re not ‘that’

We are all not of the same. I need to catch on to that concept, or at least remind myself to catch on. I always end up flat on my face when I feel The Garden Gnomes should give me the same treatment they do Gem. We are not the same, and they’re not going to see it as such, neither should I, but I keep telling myself short repeating this mistake. I stomp my feet and huff as if I assumed the body of another and demeaned my shadow stop getting all the better things in life while the flesh goes to waste with no reflection to help tell time.  I am learning the hard and easy way; no relationship is the same with others. Having common bonds with someone’s does not mean duplicity in shared experiences; People are going to share with you what they want to share with you, even if you think they’re doing too little or too much.

We all have a degree in which we share ourselves with people, it’s like playing pretend, but you can’t help it, it’s a constant side game in life. Think of a party with all versions of you invited, and there is a small group of different versions of you playing a board game quietly on the side. There was an article I passed by walking the social media streets that basically said, we see different versions of people as different people see different versions of us. I was not shocked by that. I didn’t know why that’s groundbreaking news nor why there had to be an article. I wonder if people recognize they’re not the same to everyone and everyone will not see them the same.

The unique thing about the human experience is we ’re going agree on general motions of life in society because that’s what happens when we have things in common with others. However, the tingle in the back of your head is unique when it comes to how specific scenarios elicit feelings and emotions.  Unless I stay just like I am in my entirety, jump inside your head to be you while still being me, I won’t know what is going on inside your head. We can do our best to describe how we are feeling, but the way we think about what we are describing is going to be different. For example, we agree on the definition of love and the characteristics of it, but the feelings love elicits in people are various.  We are a certain degree of something to different people, you can be the same to everyone and so different to everyone at the same time.

We all have chosen faces for different places. It makes for new rules of judgment when it comes to other people. Don’t you ever wonder why people are shocked when someone they, “thought they knew” does something they, “thought they would never do.”? There is ] an element of unwelcomed surprises when someone doesn’t live up to the standards we subconsciously hold them to. Even if the shock is good or bad, you always question your judge of character when someone throws you off the mark with who they are. These kinds of miscalculations always make space for you to have a talk with yourself if you’re too hard or too easy on people; and whether or not you’re going to have to shift your way of thinking about people.

I wonder if the way I see the world with the pleasures and pressures it has graciously bestowed upon me skewers my outlook I have on Gem. They’re my friend at times, and I feel guilty letting them go, but at the same time, I wonder if it’s jealousy because they get what they want in life and I don’t. I am upset they’re the mask is working for them, and mine is showing me in a harsher light than when I bought the damn thing. I was gawking at one of the Garden Gnomes reason with a person Gem offended a while ago. I was amazed at how different Garden Gnome described Gem to this person. As if Gem was a constant victim rather than this tough, in your face swanker I am always reminded of.  Garden Gnome was confessing to the person, Gem puts up a tough act, and they should leave well enough alone because the facade is all Gem has to make them feel like they have a place in this world. I thought that was so sad and pathetic at the same time. My heart broke for Gem in a way, but I was annoyed too.  I don’t think we should shed tears for sensitive brutes.

9:11 P.M.

I’m not worried by the things I’m not worried about

I’m tired to the fighting; I’m going out a lot.
“The fighting?” they asked, “Wait, you’re going through a lot?

The scars are thicker than what you see; I bury the truth in thoughts.

Dear Diary: Gem encrusted Gnomes

Garden Gnomes

Gem has the gull to bite because The Garden Gnomes protect them. They don’t allow the rose to feel offended. They are suitable for stopping you mid-rant to assure (warn) you, “It is how it is” and ask (demand) you to move on, ‘lest you be seen as a negative person.’ These small, gaudy lawn decorations morphed in arid, human flesh.  They rather keep the disgruntled peace than resolve uncomfortable issues by gatekeeping toxic behaviors to pass through the Kingdom of Passive Aggressive.  You can’t fault them; it’s stressful to keep up conflicts. However, why get more upset at the person being wronged than the one that is doing the wrong? Garden Gnomes instead, stand still with the elephant in the room than move gets it out of there. Garden Gnomes keep the scenery outwardly fun and quirky, like the real figurines people plop on their lawns. Sure, they want to make their house seem laid back, but the reality is, the house is one underhanded comment away from complete familial destruction.

Garden Gnomes are cautious at exposing their friendship with you for the world to see. On the one hand, they’re happy to add life to your plain exterior; on the other side, they’re embarrassed that it has to be your exterior. Garden Gnomes are excellent at being faceless saps in the face of honor. In a Garden variety gnome, they Heaven, hell, and everything in between forbids they’re ever in public with you, and they unexpectedly run into someone they respect more than you. That’s when you hear all the reasons (but the ones that are of friendship) why they’re out with a ‘person’ like you.  The real way you know how they feel about you is by the multitude of tones and evasive phrases they use in describing you depending on who is around. And as you know, anytime a garden gnome’s tone about you changes depending on who is around, you know they don’t like or care about you, but they like that you offer them things to talk about when you’re not around.

It never matters who is around when they create fake speeches about what you need to do with your life, and how they’re ‘here for you when you need anything offended This is only for the public, however. If and when you do make that call—the call they claimed they’re so happy to take—Garden Gomes end up planting themselves to take up a hefty amount of time centering themselves and their issues. By the time you get to around the reason why you called, they have to get off the line and go tend to more pressing matters.

Gem will always have asterisks by their way of accountability because Garden Gnomes refuse everything talk that might cause discomfort around them. The only thing comfortable for Garden Gnomes is the fraud they perpetrate to seem like a caring friend when all they really care about is having you around so they can thank the lucky stars they’re not you, or have any of the issues you told them in confidence.  Garden Gnomes generally believe it’s logical to make fun of someone they have zero interest in respecting, even though they give you the title as “friend.” Garden Gnomes set themselves up in your life the way the lawn ordainments do: To project fun when they’re not.